Couple reflects on intimacy after leaving religious group

A couple who spent 22 years married after meeting in a Christian cult have shared how leaving the organisation has changed their relationship and intimacy. The pair, identified by the pseudonyms Tess and Jude, grew up in the same community where they first met nine years before their wedding day. Their initial kiss took place during their marriage ceremony in front of friends and family, an event Jude described as feeling "like lightning."

Chastity was a major focus within the church, which operated under a culture of fear, though the couple admitted to testing various boundaries. Jude noted, "By the time we got married, we were pretty comfortable with each other sexually, having done everything but kiss and have penetrative sex – things we knew our parents would explicitly ask about."

Before Jude succeeded his father as pastor, he worked at a university and experienced an attraction to a colleague. He interpreted this as a divine test of his faithfulness, especially given his father’s final warning: "If you ever commit adultery, you’re finished." Although the interaction never became physical, the situation created tension in his marriage for three years. Tess recalled her concerns during that period, asking: "Is he thinking about her when he’s having sex with me?"

Three years ago, the couple departed from the cult, a move prompted by increasing disillusionment with their previous conditioning. Since leaving, they have embraced activities previously restricted, such as listening to music and drinking wine. Jude explained: "Whereas before, Tess was my 'wife' rather than her own person, because in God’s eyes we were one, now, as two individuals, as equals, our connection is stronger than ever. Sex is more intense because we’re free to be ourselves."

Transitioning from a leadership role he had been groomed for since childhood left Jude unemployed and struggling with depression. Despite these challenges, the couple feels closer than ever. Tess moved from the Caribbean to the US, where she met Jude. She described the expectations placed upon them, noting: "As the pastor’s son, he was expected to become a church leader; as a woman, I was expected to be a virgin."

During their early marriage, Jude’s role as pastor brought external pressure, as Tess was expected to counsel church members despite her own private struggles. When Jude discussed his attraction to a colleague with her, she chose to remain open to those conversations to safeguard their relationship. Tess described her current status with her family following their departure: "I’m considered an abomination. As a woman, I was supposed to be submissive."

Tess noted that Jude’s family currently refuses to let her into their home and her mother has ceased speaking to her. However, the couple finds strength in their shared identity and independence. Tess stated: "We’re all each other has. That closeness has made sex more intimate. Sometimes we pause during sex just to look at our hands touching. That’s when I feel closest to him – in those moments where time stands still."