Couple considers moving closer to family before daughter starts school

A couple in their early 30s is currently facing a dilemma regarding their living situation as they consider whether to move back to the East Midlands. They relocated to the north-west three years ago to purchase their first home and are now raising an 18-month-old daughter. The family currently has parents and a few friends living in the East Midlands, and the woman’s brother, to whom she is close, also intends to relocate there from London in the near future.

The couple initially moved to the north-west for a change of scene and to provide the husband with some distance from his parents. While the woman is close to her mother, she finds the relationship difficult due to her mother's erratic behaviour. The husband has worked hard to establish connections in their new city, but these have not lasted. The woman finds some community through her work colleagues, yet she often misses the deep-rooted ties associated with long-term friends and family.

The couple is weighing the decision between returning to the East Midlands for geographical familiarity and support, or remaining in the north-west with the hope that their community will grow as their daughter gets older. Currently, visits from parents can feel intense because they stay over at the house. The woman noted that moving back might improve these relationships by allowing for more regular, informal contact, such as popping in or participating in activities together. They hope to reach a decision before their daughter begins school.

Annalisa Barbieri, who provides advice on personal problems, initially suggested that the couple might be on the verge of things clicking into place, as they have not lived in the north-west for very long. She consulted psychotherapist Katherine Walker, who stated: “Your daughter starts school in a couple of years. This is often the time when deeper roots start to form and stand the test of time.” Walker further noted that “moving away has simply given you the opportunity to develop new bonds. It doesn’t mean the ones you already had will decline.”

Walker used the analogy of a relationship garden, distinguishing between tall, established trees that survive independently, representing family, and flowers, representing friends, which require daily watering to provide joy. “I would encourage you,” said Walker, “to focus on planting new flowers to enjoy over the coming years, and enjoy the trees you already have.”

Moving back would involve costs, and Barbieri urged the couple to consider the reality of the situation rather than a fantasy version, reminding them of the issues that originally prompted their departure. Walker also advised the couple to think “about the decision in terms of broader opportunity, rather than what seems to be mainly about returning to deeper, older relationships. These are, of course, important, but just one factor in determining where you live. Where is better for career opportunities, schools, local amenities, ways to socialise, etc?”

Barbieri cautioned that moving for the sake of others is risky, as those people might move away, relationships could sour, or circumstances might change. She pointed out that the brother’s plan to move back is not guaranteed. Barbieri suggested the couple is creating their own story and should give the current arrangement more time, noting that moving back could prove frustrating if the situation remained exactly as it was when they left. As the daughter of immigrants, Barbieri acknowledged the longing for deep-rooted connections but noted that chosen friends often fill gaps that family may leave.